Friday, October 5, 2012

Two posts in one day.....

Yeah, well I need to vent. I just heard on facebook that an old friend (and I mean like 17 years ago) died in a tragic motorcycle accident. His girlfriend is in the hospital in ICU, i guess.... Upon reading that I got scared. I felt alone. I felt so much fear for his girlfriend and for his family and his friends and I began invalidating myself because I was too scared to ask for his friendship since it's been 17 years, you know? I remember him. There aren't many people I remember from my past,  but i remember him. My fears limited me, stopped me from being his friend. Sure if he didn't remember me he would have been like and you are? and i would have been like uhm...i knew you 17 years ago I used to date so and but who the fuck cares right??? sucks because I do.  I'm scared that if i say "hey, do you remember me?" someone will say "yeah and i didn't like you then so go away" Whatever, that's kind all in the past. What matters is that this person is gone. 

Heath, I hope you are at peace.  I'm sorry that i didn't reach out when i saw you on Kari and Jason's page and said "Hi". My prayers go out to your family and friends who are going to miss you so much. Watch over them.

I realize i cannot handle death. I immediately think of my mother, my grandmother, my boyfriend, my dog, my cats, my friends...and I just cannot handle losing anyone else. My world starts to crumble when i hear about someone dying. I don't like how frail we are. I don't like how we can't say goodbye to people before they die. I hate not knowing when people are leaving us. I hate how losing someone makes me feel. The pain is unbearable.  The thought freaks me out. 

How do we live like this?

I lost my boss and owner of the company a couple of weeks ago. He died at 89 years old at 1:30 in the morning getting into his truck on his way to work. His head slumped forward after he closed the door. He was doing what he's been doing for over 65 years. His life was full. His life was complete. But it still hurt that he was gone and i could never hear his voice or talk to him. He was a great man. 

I don't know how to reach out to the people i used to be friends with. The ones i am friends with on FB but not really "friends". I figure they don't really want to be my friend. But i also care about them. 

Wish it would rain and I could just go home and snuggle up to my dog and watch a black and white Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire movie. And then see my hunny and just be held for a while. 

I fear this life. 

So please everyone stay safe. I may not know you, but my heart is very sensitive and I care about people, so just be good ok? ok....

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