Monday, September 9, 2013

where did my brain go?

I feel hollow in there today.

The weekend was a good one, but still a lot of emotions were all over the place. Takes a toll, you know?

My eyes feel dry and still leaky....

There are so many emotions over the last week that i just wish i could have gone back and fought them instead of making me look like an asshole.

it doesn't seem to matter what i feel, because usually those feelings are wrong anyway...

i am not having a pity party. Just feels like my emotions seem to have no real worth; almost like I was born wrong. Or dealt with life wrong from the beginning. Or never learned how to handle things correctly...

who the heck knows...

feels like the older i get the more issues i have....and here i thought i was getting wiser...just turns out i'm colder...

wow i feel pretty damn low.

this must not be enjoyable to read.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Dealing with your partner going to Burning man.

Gerr and i have been together for almost 6 years. We have a solid relationship, we communicate well and we rarely argue. We sound pretty great huh? Well, two weeks ago he left for Burning Man; a place i have never wanted to venture to. But I didn't want to be the girlfriend to say "you can't go", why would i do that, right? Sure I have my reservations and by golly he was going to be gone for a long time-which also meant I was bound to the dogs EVERY DAY. The first couple of days were hard for me. Some friends told me about Burning Man, my artistic and zen view of the whole thing quickly transformed to sex, whores, and orgies. I got scared. I sent some texts which of course he never received and to write them down now would only make me feel like a bad person, but people: i felt deceived. I, of course, felt like he deceived me too. But still I kept going. I counted the days until i was going to see him. Monday, Labor Day...he would be home...but then he wasn't.
For the rest of us outside of Burning man, it's really difficult. We don't know jack about what's going on over there, we don't know if a loved one is hurt or injured. I googled the news for Burning Man and instead got pictures of cool structures and the numbers exceeding 61k. bla bla bla...nothing about traffic or injuries. And on Monday night my head was spinning. I think i called him ten times, hoping just hoping that he would pick up, but it always went to voice mail.

Now i don't want you to assume i did nothing while he was gone. I actually
did have a good time with my friends. Went on an eye opening camping
trip and swam a lot. Also, took care of myself and made some fancy dinners. 
I did ok by me and tried not to let the fear take hold of my little neck. 

But still we're all human. We all have histories. We all have scars that break open once in a while. And on Tuesday i began erupting. I couldn't concentrate at work. My heart felt like it was broken. I was so fearful that something happened....something bad....but then the other part of my brain with really bad memories started to engulf me...telling me mean things. I've been left out of the blue left. Like he never even took his things. The guy may not have been a meaningful relationship, but it happened and for some reason that part of my brain swallowed the sad part that was missing him and the part that was worried to death about him. I contacted his sister...that was how scared i was...but i was also angry and upset. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?? HOW COULD HE LEAVE ME??? that's all i could think of...It no longer mattered that he was at this point missing, he had left me and he didn't care. Bad past comes back to maul me and my poor heart. My guy friends were worried too, they even put out their feelers to help me...At this point I couldn't even move. I cried on the floor for an hour thinking my world was over (how dramatic aye? Kinda funny and sad, but is it really funny? I really/truly felt like this.)

He did call...I had been laying in bed for an hour and my phone buzzes and i answer coldly to "BABY!" a very excited Gerr...he was excited to finally get to talk to me. While i was a cold hearted bitch... like "oh there you are, do you realize i've been worried sick asshole". Instantly i shut myself off to him. LIKE INSTANTLY. He was alive and safe and i was like that angry parent, just you wait until you get home...

he didn't come home until Wednesday....

That was hard. He walked in and i didn't move. Is he different? Who is this person? Is it really Gerr? He's changed somehow and i don't know how to act right now....He gave me a kiss and we started talking. I think i have to clear something with all of you burners who leave loved ones at home. I will speak only for myself though...we are afraid of you. You've come back different. Almost biologically different. And the fear becomes, "well i'm not different I'm the same as i was when you left"...except now i'm angry and sad as fuck. I should have jumped up and said BABY YOU'RE HOME. that would have been the right thing to do...but i didn't. I needed time to reacquaint myself with this stranger who was two days late from the expected date of arrival, gave me a partial heart attack, burdened me with more depression in two nights than i felt in 5 years, brought me back to that stupid ex and also jealous visions of hippy chicks named Lilac and Dove smothering my boyfriend with feathers....yeah I was all over the place. all i could do was stay put.

It's been a rough couple of days. I've been trapped in my head and thinking RUN RUN RUN....when i really don't want to. I have been closed off to even hearing his stories of what he did while on the Playa. I get sad. I get jealous. I want to experience things like that, but not in the desert. I love feeling uplifted. I love meditating...i hate stinky people....just needed to add that. 

 While he was there experiencing things, I was home doing the norm. It's not fair get enlightened while the rest of us have to live and save money and survive our day to day lives.You can't expect a parade and fawning over you with kisses. We have to get in a place where we feel ok. We need to get accustomed to the new you...because are a bit different, changed....Granted most people don't feel what i did when i was expecting him, but hey maybe some do...i wasn't prepared for this. 
I did realize that the thought of losing Gerr while he was gone, brought me to depths unknown...a fear of never being able to survive here on my own. And no one wants to think about it....but it's real and true....

A good friend reminded me today that Gerr is special. He's always had good values and has always been loyal...and he has...and i basically turned him into a scary monster worth leaving behind. She helped me remember who he was. Because i couldn't see it yet,  every emotion from the last few days is like black smoke in front of my face distorting everything. I know everything will be ok, because it has to.  And I know that i will be stronger because of it.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Not a fan...

Yes. I am not a fan of burning man... make it a one day festival and i'll check that shit out, otherwise never wanted to go and never will.  Gerr is there as we speak enjoying the crazy festivities in the dessert and he's probably already run out of Rockstar because dude has no idea how to ration his precious Rockstar.  So since I'm talking about burningman and everything, this is what i got in my mailbox.

Gerr left last week. I've been officially alone since friday. it's been  pretty quiet except for the english accents on my TV. I'm watching the Tudors....I love the friggin Tudors. I'm enjoying my quiet life. I kinda like it. 

Hey it's like Boot week over here....look at these!!
these are on and they're 75 bucks. Only con, they're made in China? BUT they're cute. So it's kinda up to you...

On ideeli....i can't wear heels (thank god) and they don't h ave my size (phew)...these are beautiful. BCBGeneration 109.99. 

ok one more i saw on
pretty Rockport boots. $125.00 (also made in China, but i've heard of Rockport...hmm maybe i shouldn't complain about it being made in China anymore???)

Where have i been??? People FINALLY!!! yes that means h&m finally has joined the world of online shopping. 

so as you can tell i have nothing great to say. So just buy these boots and tell me how much you love them. It's boot season!

Monday, August 26, 2013

And here you go ladies, I've lost a pound....

or is it I lost a boyfriend to the infamous Burning Man festival so therefore my appetite has been lost....ok that's bull crap, seriously i almost bought some cookie dough last night to fulfill my sweet tooth. I know i can't prove it just yet, but it may be my Zaggora capris...check it out, it's neoprene (wet suit type of material) and seriously makes you sweat! i was drenched after a normal hour of walking my dogs. Not really sure if that's the reason why i lost a pound, but whatever, i finally lost another one and I'm super happy!!

I've started using a new app called we heart pics-It's kinda like instagram except you can search close to you and there are different categories your pics can go under. It's a neat thing, for those of us (ahem, all of us) who like to post tons of artsy pics of ourselves. lol.

yup that is me. and say hello to your new friend camera 360. fun photo app!!!

so boots are back people..i love boots. LOVE LOVE LOVE boots. just to show you how much i love boots i will share with you all of my favorites TODAY that are on sale...

80 bucks from Sole Society.  I really like this color-Dark Camel...faux leather. 80 bucks for faux leather makes me not want to buy it...20 bucks cheaper and then i would grab these...still these are super cute. I will be looking for something like these above.

oh gosh...these are the ultimate riding boots and they're real leather hence the in the 300's. These are Frye riding boots found at Country outfitter. The picture will take you to my pinterest page and then to country outfitter.....yum....these boots are just yummy.

Ok so these are the only two boots i'd figure i'd mention. two different price tags...

well that's all for me. lots o love.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

I am your human Yo Yo and a lot of whining.

yesterday 144, today 145.6. The scale must be broken. ok maybe not. Weight loss is tricky. You'd think we could just stay one weight at one time each day in order to get an accurate reading of what your TRUE weight is. It's disappointing, but to be honest I can think of a couple of things that affect this number; like going to the bathroom. People it does make a difference. HEALTHY BOWEL MOVEMENTS are important dammit. sigh. i can't talk to you guys about my bowel movements that would be embarrassing. lol

lets move on.

It's hard to be honest with friends. I used to be that person who would tell you straight to your face how you were fucking something up or that you were behaving ridiculously and needed to grow up etc.... I have learned in the last couple of years that unless the person asks for my complete honest and blunt opinion, I am to carefully watch my tongue and not let anything too truthful come out. At some point they'll either realize their foolishness from three or four months past or they'll keep repeating their mistakes and when they come crying to me with their "why's" and "how could this happen?" they'll look at my blank stare and I would have that i could have told you so look and still keep my mouth shut...
I truly do not try to hurt my friends feelings. I really don't. I want to help my friends and they usually come to me for advice, the only problem is I am sure the advice they want isn't what i am going to say. SURE, sometimes it's "Please i want to know what you think" and i say you want me to be blunt. I see the huge gulp and swallow in their throat and then i let it out. some people turn white, mostly guys are the ones who say "thanks". shrug. I'm learning to just keep it in, say i told you so with my inside voice and carry on...i have to get more zen though, this shit just gets outta hand sometimes. the feelings trapped inside want to erupt with hot lava profanities and jabs to the throat (metaphors. I don't really believe in violence).

I think there's something in the air today...people at work are whiney bastards. Maybe i shouldn't be around humans for a while...but no seriously, one lady said she was shorted a quarter of an hour....on a TIMECLOCK HANDSCANNER??!!!! So she shorted herself BUT she wants to keep the quarter of an hour overtime because she chatted with a co worker before she left one day and it took awhile to clock out. Uhm no...that is not what we're enforcing here and i'm not going to let my boss get all soft with this crap...people are just all about pleasing themselves, not doing what's right or honest...ugh...

so that's all for today.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Hey look another post!!!

Yeah's me again...

look what i saw yesterday at my local Safeway parking lot ..
yes those are 5 eggs and one lonely egg right by the line that separates the two cars....
now the following could be true:
a. they're bowling.
b. these eggs were escaping Safeway. 
c. it's art.
d. they watched Finding Nemo too many times and thought an egg was their best escape, i guess it could be shrimp escaping from the seafood department.
e. it's a prank of some sort.

still i really appreciated this eggciting randomness that i couldn't help but take a picture and leave the eggs where they were.....i just couldn't move them....was that bad???

 today i weigh 146. a week ago i was 144. GRRRR!!! I'm thinking i need to clean my scale a bit better, maybe i have two pounds of dirt on it or something....

You should know about
It's really really cool. I'm in bold right it's friggin cool...
The basics: you pay either 49 for one item of your choice and they ship you one extra item. or you pay 149 and you get 6-7 items and you choose two! you gotta check it out I'm super happy about it. I got some great items and i love that i can write in what i don't like and/or would never wear and they go shopping for me and choose cool items. there was ONE thing i didn't like but i am going to gift it, because it's well made and it would definitely look good on someone else. Check out these pics of two of the dresses i chose.

i know..i look kinda stupid..haha. my face and all....but this is the most comfiest and cutest dress ever. I need to buy a belt for it.

follow me on instagram 

and on Pinterest

Have a great day all!!!

Monday, August 12, 2013

Wow! Thanks Peeps

I'm not sure how or why, but i've been receiving a lot of comments lately and it's made me kind of sad, because it really is hard to get back on here and write when i don't have a lot of time in my day. but seriously, i should come back and write something...right?

Well, at this very moment i'm trying to eat my wanna be lean cuisine super slow and making sure there are no specks of rice left on it. IT COUNTS...the calories are plainly written on the back and will only count if you eat it ALL!
So am i on a diet? I think i'll be on one for the rest of my life. What do i want to lose? 5 pounds. That's all. just 5 fucking pounds. Pardon mon francais. But it's true. I have been trying to lose 5 pounds for like 2 years. But that's it...i've had enough. last week i added a couple of hills to my dog walks and now instead of 40 minutes we're at an hour. I also haven't mentioned to you that we went on vacation a few weeks ago and my boyfriend and i only ate fried crap and didn't eat any fine cuisine (which i would have much preferred because i'm turning into a food snob). yeah, i sorta gained like 3 lbs. and then Aunt Flo hits and she's like "bitch, i'm giving you a bloat that makes people think you're preggers." BLARGH! Anyway...i finally lost 1 lb...and i'll see if tomorrow i've lost anything...sigh.
Losing weight when you're body is comfortable with what you weigh is the's also the most depressing, because you go up and down like a fucking yo yo and you can't believe that one day you're 143 and the next day you've gained 4 pounds...i'ts like i get it, i'm constipated, but that doesn't mean i'm holding 4 lbs of shite. sigh, don't mean to get graphic, but really ladies, I know that you know what i mean....

and with this i'm out...

have a great day!!!

Monday, May 20, 2013


but i am sorta catching up on a lot of reading...I have missed out on like 5 months of blogs and since I am a super pinner i pin what i like and try and help some fellow bloggers some foot traffic.

So where have i been....
we got a new dog.
well a puppy.
she's cray cray. lol. she likes to eat you the best and softest kisses...uh not like right after she  eats poop but like other times of the day...she gets a long with bella real well...and we're stoked about that.

gerry and i went to a gala. dude we looked hot...check it..

mmm classy...if you ever have the chance to go to a black tie gala or a ball or something. Just DO IT! I felt super beautiful. I went all out. Got my hair did, got a beautiful gown, which the pictures do not do the dress justice. lol.

Anywhoo...i better motor. I'll come back soon. if this would work on my tablet than i would have a jolly time writing on here...maybe it's better, who knows..i'll check later.
hugs and smooches.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I am still alive

Just incredibly busy. and i do want to come back and write more posts, so I will be back...some time...just not sure when. I received some awesome comments on some of last years posts and i can't see them on my blog, but i do want to let you know that i did get them and thank you for reading. As you can tell I am the queen of the run on sentence...i don't mind...i plan to come back and write whatever the heck it is i feel like writing soon.

we do have a new puppy and her name is Lucy.

Bella is no longer a single child. LOL!. 

hope to see y'all soon!!!